Hang On

Guard the best parts of you

fight for them

don’t let anyone pulverize in 2 seconds

what you’ve been building for so long

Raw

12:38,its about that time. I should be asleep. I can’t sleep. I pull out my laptop and write. Everything and nothing comes to my mind. Don’t use contractions in writing. Fear. This paralyzing fear. Tears these tears that never come at the right moments. Fear is what holds me back. I’m fighting a war against myself. I’m afraid of failing before I even begin. They tell you to follow your dreams, but the fear of following them is too much. I begin a conversation with God, I believe with all my heart that he’s there listening holding me and trying to soothe my fears. I give them all to him, but something tells me I must learn to face them on my own. The fear that I’ll want to face them when it’s too late haunts me. All you have to do is step out of your comfort zone they say. But history seems to be against me. What does this all mean? I have more questions than answers. More fears than certainties. The only thing that’s certain is that nothing is. Tomorrow is a new day, maybe then I’ll have the answers maybe then I’ll face my fears, maybe then I won’t be so afraid. When did I become this fearful, more skittish than a deer. I pray half an our father half a hail mary, I cant even concentrate on my prayers. Incomplete, that is exactly how I feel. Am I sad no? Am I happy no. Not either. Not completely either or. For now, atleast I hope. Hope. From fear to hope. What comes after hope? Disillusion or fulfillment. A miracle or a tragedy. Binary oppositions is what we’re taught. Black or white yes or no. But im neither where’s the grey in this? It cant be categorized. The only thing that is outside of the box for me is this uncertainty. I feel the bile rising in my throat. This familiar feeling, I never knew what it was called, anxiety. In elementary school at the beginning of each school year, middle school, highschool. Its fine everyone feels this way right? Well yes but not most of the time. Im rambling now. Shaky hands. Stiff neck. Clammy hands. I’ve written it all before, so why does it seem so brand new every time. This uncanny feeling. The strangeness of something familiar, thats what it is. 2:39.

Is She an Enigma or just Human?

So much to say
But she appears mute
The thing is not everyone is prepared for her views
So much affection to give
she wants love like the sun wants thirst
But when it comes near
she runs
The thing is watching and admiring the sun from afar is better than touching it                    Being scathed
She loves to run
She hates the idea of running away
The thing is running depends on when and where
She faces her fears
she is terrified
The thing is we all have our demons
She knows what she wants
she makes a plan
but doesn’t put it into action
The thing is some things are easier said than done

 

 

Time

So versatile yet so limited
Some days don’t have enough of it
Sometimes even a minute can be hell
Nowadays I find myself wanting more of it
Maybe its because I have so much to do and not enough to look forward to
I find myself wishing it would slow down
I hope that my concept of how I look at time will change
as quickly as time does sometimes
I can’t be certain of the future
Only time will tell

Shine

I try to only worry about myself, I find that by doing this I succeed more and do better overall. If there ever comes a person that is bothered by the light that you radiate tell them to put on some sunglasses don’t dim your light or change yourself for them. Because when worst comes to worst everyone leaves and you’re left alone, your inner light is what you’ll have left and by God trust me it will be enough to get you through everything.”Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need.He’s very dreamy but he’s not the sun.You are.”-Christina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy. I always go back to Yang’s wise words when something makes me feel odd,off,or out of place. Simply live and worry about yourself. Keep shining.

Cry

There’s nothing better than a good heart wrenching, soul clenching, chest numbing cry.It all keeps inflating me like air in a balllooon, I can’t physically stretch anymore. I burst…when I’m overly excited with joy, angry beyond expression of words, or saddened beyond greys anatomy and everything tragic that seems to be going on in the world. I realize that I am only a small miniscule granule of sand in a huge ocean filled with others like me and larger organisms like  manatees. We hope to change the world and become these huge super hero like figures,leave a mark on the world, we are scared of oblivion very much like augustus waters, most of the time we can’t,we fade into oblivion, it angers me and frustrates me because i’d love to be a million people and at a million places all at once, How does God do it? My poor keyboard won’t survive the pounding of my fingers. My angst filled days are only beginning, I think, although I don’t realize they’re ending.

Transition.

This summer I’ve seen nothing but transition and change in my life. I’ve never been away from my parents for long periods of time, my parents have been on vacation for a month now and I’ve had to learn how to deal with my separation anxiety. I also stopped taking birth control which made my hormones go crazy, they’re still going crazy I’m wondering when I’ll transition back to feeling like myself. A good transition that I’ve been going through is weight loss. I’ve been going to the gym, running at the park, and being a lot more active. I find that I don’t really like transition or change, I like knowing what’s going to happen when it’s going to happen, and I like knowing the answer or what I’m going to do. I don’t like mystery I like knowing. But, I don’t always get my way so my only option is coping and accepting the things that I can’t change. Relax,relax,relax.

Enough

What is enough? Enough can have different definitions in different aspects of a person’s life. It is amazing for such a simple two syllable word to have such different complex meanings. We are enough. Just like the word we are complex and non- one dimensional characters in the book of life. We say enough when we’re fed up or when we’re satisfied. We want to be enough; happy enough, beautiful enough, smart enough… the list goes on and on. But we are enough, complex like the word itself. Sometimes we may not understand it just like we may not understand why the word has to be so complicated and have a ‘gh’ at the end instead of an ‘f’, we are the same; hard to understand by others and even by ourselves at times. All that matters is that we are enough in every sense and definition of the word.

1 Year Later ( I Will Live)

The whole point of making this blog was to find myself. A year ago I was uncomfortable with who I was; I sought approval outside of myself because I didn’t approve of who I was internally. A year ago I was beginning my senior year in high school and in one word I was struggling; in all aspects of my life. Now I’m a freshman in college. I just finished my first semester with all A’s except for than one pesky little B I made, that I try to get past. This past year I spent time coming to terms with my anxiety which I came to know is just another feeling, its good and almost unnoticeable on some days and situations, and sometimes it’s not. During any panic attack or anxiety episode that I may face I hang on to what I know as reality and truth based on how the year has gone; I tell my self that I will live. Because so far, I have lived; through everything I’ve gone through no matter how dramatic, scary, or heart wrenching it seemed in the moment it was happening. I will continue to live through things that I believe I can’t get through while they’re happening. I haven’t completely found myself, there are still some things that I don’t know about myself, but I am closer to finding myself than I was a year ago and for now that is all that matters because I know that I will live.

Disorderly Behavior

I never in a million years would have thought that I’d ever have the guts or the anger…to what? To be driven to flipping someone off while driving, but today my behavior defied all odds.

Let me put this in perspective…I drive a tiny VW bug, I am five foot four, and I don’t look the least bit threatening. But today I sure felt like I was.

On my way home from school the car in front of me stopped in the middle of the road/intersection to turn; holding up all traffic behind her including me and the man in the huge testosterone filedl truck behind me. The man failed to see the woman in front of me despite having a huge observatory type truck. I guess he expected me to gun my car as soon as the lady turned or to fly over her (they unfortunately don’t make cars that can do that yet) so I accelerated at a normal pace and he decided to honk at me, I would’ve been okay with a ‘honk’ but no he had to go with the everlasting ‘hoooooonnnnk’ so my initial reaction was to turn around in disbelief… in the past that would have been the end of it, but today a switch flipped in my head it said ‘nope no more huge testosterone filled trucks and people in them feeling like they can intimidate me’ so I thought what should I do how should I defend myself? SO I willed my middle finger to come up and shook at it him like a protesting poster, he pulled up next to me and I shook it like a saltshaker.

The poor man in the pickup truck had to take the middle finger for him and all the people in the past that felt like honking at me for no reason was okay. When I flipped him the glorious bird I felt this rush of adrenaline, and in it I told my mom about the whole situation and she disapproved, but I explained that sometimes one has to react and defend his or herself.

I do understand that I have to be careful, and that was a learning experience in itself, but when do we draw the line between self-defense and disrespect? I honestly don’t know, what I do know is that I did what I did.